I have a dear friend that I will never see again.
It is so odd to say.
Our connection has spanned more than 40 years.
My niece and nephew, she bore and raised, while married to my brother.
I have been unable to discover a single word to describe, literally, who she is to me.
My brother’s ex-wife? – Nah
My former sister in law? – Nope
My niece and nephew’s mother-uh unh
My dear friend? - That excludes our familial connection.
A friend suggested a Yiddish word, Mishpocheh.
It literally means family but does not refer to a blood relative.
That is getting closer, more accurate
All this, for a while, seemed important to me.
The English language has over a million words. Currently in use, around 171,000, and, on average, each of us has a vocabulary of 20-30 thousand words.
And yet, not one word to describe our relationship.
She and my brother divorced years ago. They maintained a friendship and raised their children as good humans and global citizens.
We had a deep connection, neither of us was particularly good at keeping in touch. An occasional, random call. When I would see her face to face, it was always, as if no time had passed. We were profoundly connected. Perhaps we were so connected, we had the time we had, with each other, and that was perfect.
If I was given some magical do over moment, I wouldn’t change a thing.
We had an amazing and perfect relationship.
and…..
then…..
my phone rang, or didn’t ring, I had the sound turned off, as I frequently do, and I missed the call.
Looking at caller id later, I saw I had missed a call from her husband, Pat, a man who is also a dear friend. We never speak unless we are face to face. He is a good man and they loved each other madly.
Together they had created a lovely home. My daughter and I would visit once a year or so and stay with them. Always a warm loving place to be. Its aesthetic soothed my soul. Camil, and her husband and best friend, Pat, in the midst of all those mundane things that must be done to maintain our lives, they always kept love, friendship and home as a priority.
I called him back and he told me she was suddenly gravely ill and had little time to live.
My daughter and I drove to Vermont to see them.
We had the honor of spending one of the last weeks of her life, with her.
Will I miss her? Of course!
and,
I see her legacy, one of honesty, love and beauty, keeping her so very present in this world.
Honesty, adj; free of deceit. Truthfulness.
When I first met her, her directness and honesty was unsettling.
She was born with few filters. She would say what was on her mind.
For me, that quality alone, the quality of honesty, is the critical component of true friendship.
It creates a safe container. I don’t have to wonder, I don’t have to figure out what is what, which, it turns out, I am terrible at anyway.
Sovereignty, n; supreme power or authority.
Perhaps Camil’s most singular gift, to me, was her courage in taking on her passage to death as a sovereign act. She made a powerful choice, in true form.
To make her way into the unknown transition we call death.
As a choice.
She chose grace and elegance in doing that she demonstrated power and courage.
Her final week in human form, she got to experience the love of her community, to hear the acknowledgements of her from those that loved her.
To say what she needed to say, to receive the love of all those whom she touched with her life.
Some time ago, I heard an interview, a young man asking questions of elderly woman about her impending death;
Him: What is it like to know you are going to die?
Her: What is it like to pretend you are not?
Death is the singular inevitability we all choose ignore.
Our body is on loan to us for an indeterminate period of time.
It is a vessel, unimaginably complex, in which we get to reside, for a while.
We can each begin, today, to spend the rest of the time of our lives filling our vessel with love and gratitude.
To become grateful for this brief moment we have on this plane.
To be mindful in our lives
To say what we need to say to ourselves and to those we love
To be honest.
To be trustworthy, worthy of trust
Ultimately, it will be that, that is the memorial to our lives.
We do not have time to waste on halfway measures.
Now, go out into your world
Teach yourself to love deeply and to receive love
Teach yourself to be grateful for what you have
Practice being honest, with yourself and with others.
If you were told you have 24 hours to live (which may be so)
And, you could design the last 24 hours of your life,
what would you do with all those precious moments?
What would it look like?
How much of that 24 hours would you spend worrying if you are good enough?
Being fearful of saying what you need to say, including I love you.
Being afraid to do what you have always wanted to do.
Go, step into today, this first moment of the rest of your life.
Love deeply, say what you need to say authentically.
Honor yourself and be grateful for the life you have.
Camila, dear friend and good human.
You will be missed.
You built your life out of blocks of love, honesty and beauty.
And that edifice is what remains as your memorial.
I love you, travel well down your new path.
Camil, you are loved by all of us, you will be missed.
Thank you for showing us all what a life well lived looks like.
Until we meet again.